Cancer Journey Continues

October is rapidly approaching an end and I am still here!!! Thank you Lord. It has been a wonderful year for me. Getting off the heavy duty chemo, getting my hair back (well not exactly "my" hair, but hair none the less), sailing to Alaska, attending my grandson's baseball tournament in San Bernardino with the entire family, and a life long dream of taking my son and grandson to Lambeau field to watch the Packers play football. They won, we had a great time. Perfect weather, perfect company, just perfect.

Things are not as good lately as they have been and that always causes panic for me. I constantly live with the reality that things will eventually go very badly very quickly. Once the medication stops working, there is nothing else in the pipeline for me. That means the cancer will be able to grow without restraint and the end will be in sight. I still have many good days but many bad ones as well. I am not as sick as I was during the initial chemo campaign but there are days when I just am not sure I want to continue fighting this battle. I have developed a new irritant side effect, dizziness. I wake up in the middle of the night and the room is just spinning. It seems to only happen at night when I am lying down. I will report this to doc next week. It usually goes away after I get up and have some coffee. I have had a few days when it stays with me all day, but those are few. The pain is constant, I have been relying on pain pills way more than before. I used to only take them at night to help me sleep but I am taking one or two during the day lately. I have been having shooting pains in my head, where I have cancer lesions, so worried that they may be growing and causing the pain and the dizziness. It is hard, I try to keep these things to myself but then this blog would be a waste of time. Cancer sucks. I cry a lot lately. I am so worried that we may be close to the end..Nobody knows, Doc can't say. I try to not worry about the end, try to concentrate on today and tomorrow and all the things I can do before I go. But that knowledge that I cannot win the war, I can only survive one skirmish at a time is ever present in every waking moment. I actually look forward to bedtime cause I can drug up, escape the pain and the worry. In my dreams I don't have cancer. And when I am with my kids, I can also forget that I am sick.

When I think about just giving up, my mind automatically goes to all that I would be leaving behind and I soon get back on my feet and push through the pain. Seeing my grandchildren both tires me and delights me. Holding little Benjamin and seeing the happy expression on his face when he spots me is so inspiring. Watching him grow and learn new skills is healing. He has such a delightful personality. I have been having the older ones over more often since I have been feeling better. The girls and I have been having tea parties and "Nana-Hannah-Emma" talks when the stay over. We all get in my bed upstairs and just chat about anything and everything. I love it and this is their idea. They want the event. Last time they all spent the night, Hannah suggested we skip the usual movie before bedtime and just sit around and talk (Hannah is 8). So we did and the 5 of us (Grandpa, Connor, Hannah, Emma and I) just sat in the family room taking turns to tell our favorite things. We began around 7:30 and ended at 10:00 pm. It was an amazing evening. I felt so close to those wonderful young people. Of course my Connor is my first born grandchild and he and I have a wonderful relationship. Spending time with him on our trip to Green Bay was awesome. We spent several hours at the hotel pool and he entertained me with ballet moves in the water....he is hysterically funny and just the best hugger ever.

My children, Jamison and Sarah are my biggest worries. You never stop being a mother. I worry about their futures, that I won't be here to turn to if they need help. I know they love me and I am so grateful they do and that they are a part of my life. I want them to have joy in their lives and hate that I will be causing them pain. Thankfully they both have wonderful families, with supportive mates and great kids and hopefully those blessings will help them through my death.

My husband, Dale and I have been spending more time talking and just being together. His touch is so soothing and comforting. He tries to be prepared for my death but knows he is not. This is the hardest part for me, knowing that all these wonderful people are going to hurt so much because of me and I feel so badly about that. So, I keep fighting to stay here. But Lord, it has been hard. This has been a really tough week. But, I will be better, I promise and I keep my promises!